you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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