I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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