I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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