I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
