we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
