I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
