My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nicole vs. Life
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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