went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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