We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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