I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
As shirtless as possible
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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