I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
