There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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