Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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