so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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