Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think my moral compass just broke
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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