I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
