I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
