Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
