you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
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