My first STD was from a foam party
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
