I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
