Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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