glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
