i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
