Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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