Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
