im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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