in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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