I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
