Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
