I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
