You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
