I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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