Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
