You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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