6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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