We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
