i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
