Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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