watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
