I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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