I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
