I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
