if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we should paint friendship bongs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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