I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
