So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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