I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
