When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
