Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
