Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
