I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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