I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
