man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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