I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
