im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
