Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
