In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
