you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had to cum in my sink.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
